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Dear Herc,
My humans are hopeless. They let strange people just walk through our living space. Therefore it is up to me to protect us. The other day this man with saggy britches (they called him a plumber) came to our house. I was hiding in the tub, and when he walked by I jumped up and hissed and howled. He went running. I was extremely proud of myself for defending our turf. Unbelieveably, instead of a treat I got put in a small jail until the intruder left of his own accord!! How can I teach my humans that they shouldn't talk to strangers let alone invite them in?
Impatiently, Theena the Great
You're right - humans ARE hopeless. Clearly, you had their best interests in mind when you attempted to defend them. However, sometimes strangers can be good. Not only are humans hopeless, but also helpless and must get strangers to fix things for them. In the case of the "plumber", you may have noticed that the water in your large drinking bowl was not up to par. Or... perhaps there had been a small flood (see "Wet Whiskers" below for the perils of too much water!). Best to let those individuals pass by unchallenged, but keep your eye on them constantly!!! I will say this: one day they will appreciate your constant vigilance in keeping them safe. Keep fighting the good fight!
Dear Herc,
The sentient featherless bipeds in my house have brought in a creature that looks a lot like ME-- only much smaller. They call this usurping impostor a "kitten." The "kitten" breaks something, they think it's cute. I break something, they're after me with a tool of cleanliness they call a "broom." What can I do to make this rival seem a lot less precious to its owners?
Yours, One Jealous Tabby
You can't. Kittens are just plain cute! What you can do is act like you really like the kitten. When the bipeds are looking, let it cuddle up next to you, and give it's little head a lick or two. They will fuss over you and praise you for being so nice to the new one. They will scratch behind your ears and rub your belly (if you like that sort of thing) and tell you how wonderful you are. When the bipeds aren't looking just ignore the little monster. Eventually you may find that the kitten is a superb playmate, or at least gain a tolerance for it. Meanwhile, you can take comfort in knowing that you can make it share the limelight.
Dear Herc,
Why does that human I live with scream every time I bring her a dead rodent as a gift? Is she screaming for sheer joy, as I suspect?
Signed, Tabby in Tacoma
There's no accounting for human taste - they seem to prefer no feathers, no fur, and cooked. Who could figure?
Dear Herc,
Help!! I have a problem with my hairballs! No, I don't want to get rid of them. I want to make them even bigger and hairier. What would you advise?
Signed, Felix
Spread good will: groom a friend.
Dear Herc,
That humanoid with whom I generously share my living quarters has rewarded my generosity by having my claws clipped. Now I can no longer fight other toms, romance the girls, turn the couch into a work of art, express my displeasure to neighborhood dogs, etc. How can I get back at the humanoid life form without using my claws?
Signed, Declawed from Decatur
I would suggest spraying, but in some households that is a capital offense! Here's a small, but useful, trick: about 15 minutes before their alarm clock goes off, crawl up on their chest and stick your whiskers up their nose. Works every time...
Dear Herc,
I fear I am going mad, mad, mad. My human has placed a plush stuffed ducky on a shelf just out of my reach. No matter what I try I can't seem to seize it and shred it to ribbons! (The ducky, not the human, though there are times...) I am tired of looking at Mr. Ducky's cheerful, mocking face. What would you do if you were me?
Signed, Sorely Tempted
I've been working on that one myself, only here it is a frog! I'll get back to you...
Dear Herc,
The other night I decided to favor the creature who feeds me with a little attention. She seemed engrossed in this glowing thing she calls a TV, and her actions indicated that she would rather watch the gadget than scratch my back! How can I take some awful revenge for this unforgivable slight?
Signed, Fuming Feline
Simple. Behind the glowing thing, there are long string-like things. These are wires. Chew them, chew them in half! A word of caution: make sure the glowing thing is not glowing when you do this!
Dear Herc,
I am a hopeless addict. My drug of choice is catnip. Every time I smell that stuff my eyes rotate like tops and I do backflips that would be the envy of a circus cat. The other morning I woke up in a stupor and needing a shave; it turned out I had been unconscious four days on a catnip high! I think my parents are beginning to suspect something. What can I do?
Signed, Nipped Out
Tell them it's not your fault - you are a victim of circumstance. If the humans you live with didn't make catnip readily accessible, and make a fuss over your "cute" antics, you would never have gotten into this fix. I hear California has a Nameless Nipsters 12-step program. You might consider this as an alternative. Good luck!
Dear Herc,
The selfish biped who lives with me brought home some piece of old junk she calls "a priceless antique rosewood buffet." She gave that object more attention than I was comfortable with, so I took my claws and turned it into a modern art masterpiece. Can you believe it, the biped has been angry at me ever since! Herc, how can I improve her taste in art?
Signed, "Clawed Monet"
Art is in the eye of the beholder, and I'm sorry to say, but there is no accounting for some humans' taste in art. Maybe if you start smaller - a bit of carefully sliced origami, perhaps? I would recommend watching "Edward Scissorhands" for some insight into this human condition.
Dear Herc,
Sometimes I think owning a human just isn't worth it. They spent all my kittenhood teaching me to do my business in a box full of dirt. Very well. But then when I do my business in a flowerpot or flowerbed full of dirt, they have the temerity to give me a hard time over it. Please tell me, Herc, where is the best place to, you know, do my business?
Sincerely, Punished By Stupid Hypocritical Humans Just For Being Clean
If revenge is on your mind, doing your business just outside of your box once or twice should communicate your displeasure. (My Aunt Smokey managed to make this an art form!) However, humans can have trouble relating cause and effect if you wait too long to exercise discipline. Another hint: your human won't want you anywhere near their green-growing things. Besides, although the leaves may look tasty, sometimes humans are stupid enough to grow poisonous edibles. So be careful.
Dear Herc,
Listen to my tale of terror. Outside the big house that I own, there is an inflatable thing my humans call a "pool." They have a tarp stretched over it to keep out leaves and stuff. Fine by me, because I am a cat and as you well know, CATS HATE WATER! Anyhow, the other day I went outside to walk around on this tarp. It had just rained, so there was a small puddle of (shudder) water in the middle. As I walked on the tarp, my weight caused it to sink -- result, I was chased by a stream of WATER! People were laughing at me! I'll spare you the details, but tell me, Herc, what should I do if that happens again?
Sincerely, Wet Whiskers
Are you nuts? There is lots of water under that tarp. What were you thinking? I shudder to think what might have transpired should one of those edges have slipped! Next time - steer clear of the whole mess. However, it is good for cats to get over their fear of water a little bit. My recommended method is to swat at the water while your human is bathing or washing dishes. It tickles a bit and will make your human laugh, which might earn you a treat. Be careful not to slip and grab hold of your human for support. They don't take too kindly to large gashes in their skin.
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